Sleepless in Manchester!

I had another of my disturbing dreams last night which left me awake, upset and contemplating my past life in the wee small hours.

This post will therefore have nothing to do with knit or crochet but a lot about my life so far.

My poor choice in men has been legendary amongst my friends for many years. Although in a single state at the present I can honestly state that in the past I have lived my life in a lot of strange and bizarre ways. I started off normally getting engaged and marrying a man I scarcely knew as although we courted for 3 yrs we barely saw each other so that should have been a warning sign. I fell for a handsome face not looking underneath and whilst we are now friends we made terrible partners although I did try hard to keep it all glued together for the sake of my son. I was frustrated and stuck in a marriage I didn't want and although my husband never admitted it he was too. He relieved the boredom with other women and making nasty sarcastic remarks to me every day which broke my spirit and almost killed me . I turned to drink and was almost alcoholic by the time he left. (Thankfully as soon as he left I stopped drinking and have sparingly touched alcohol in the last 20yrs)

After I decided to end this ludicrous situation I then ended up as a teenager on the loose but in my forties. All the things I had never done in my teens I made up for. I will skirt over this era as I did a lot of things (nothing illegal on my part) during this time that I am not particularly proud of. Let's just say I mistook a lot of men's attentions as love when all it was on their part was a desire to get into my knickers and vanish thereafter. A whole lot of women who were in my social circle at the time have no idea what their husbands were up to whilst they were out with the girls! I used to find it funny when they sanctimoniously told me that their husbands would never do anything like mine had and what wonderful husbands they all had. Hah! If they only knew. When the penny dropped and I realised I was just being used I then went through a man hating period - oh I dated them but treated them all with the contempt that previous men had treated me with. I was the one who showed them the door the morning after saying thanks but no thanks. See you - bye. Don't bother to call me.

I then went through the ridiculous toy boy period. I actually dated for 9 yrs a guy 15yrs my junior until I discovered that he also was the town stud. I don't know where he got the energy from but at one time he apparently had 3 of us on the go. We actually had a wedding planned for August 2000 and I heard later that he married one of the other women on the same day and same location. I wonder if she ever knew she had a second hand wedding? Luckily I hadn't bought a dress!

I have dated a drug dealer ( I was totally naive - had no idea until someone told me so that was the end of him pronto) A gangster ( I never guessed as he used to play hymns to me on my keyboard , went to church with his mother , worked as a theatre nurse and brought me flowers, chocs and treated me like a princess) who went on to serve many years for GBH and attempted murder. Plus a few others who turned out to be equally as dodgy. All I can say in my defence is that they never showed their bad sides to me and I must have been incredibly naive as I never guessed about their seamy sides. Men can be extremely devious liars.

Over the last 10 years I haven't really had much luck with men, Yeah as if you ever did before Jan! A couple of would be's but nothing that sparked my interest for long. Then I met M a couple of years ago and fell hopelessly in love. He was, in my eyes, the handsome prince I had been waiting for after kissing a whole lot of frogs. He ticked all of my boxes although looking back I doubt if I ticked many of his. Handsome, courteous, mature, well educated and professional. After a promising start we then hit a huge snag when his separated wife came back to live with him. As I am not a marriage breaker (despite my earlier dalliances with married men) our relationship changed into a strong loving friendship but I always secretly hoped that we could revert back one day if his marriage ended again. He then lost his job and had a series of major personal tragedies and then got made redundant thus ending our daily phone chats and e mails. He still e mails me but I have realised for some time that it is time to move on. I can't keep hoping for something that is always going to be out of reach.

I thought I was OK with this until last night. I dreamt I was working in some kind of information bureau and in M came hand in hand with a brunette with a huge suitcase on wheels. She was everything I am not. A career type woman, rich and successful, well dressed etc. He looked shocked to see me but kept trying to kiss me behind her back and tell me everything was OK whilst she was enquiring about the whereabouts of this restaurant where they apparently had reservations. I woke up sobbing my eyes out, feeling totally inadequate and with the dog on top of me licking away my tears. Of course sleep after that was impossible. So I was once again up with the birds. My mother always used to say that Friday's dream on Saturday told will come true before it is old. So who knows I may bump into him with a brunette one day soon!

I am off to walk the dog and do my washing. Let's hope I don't dream tonight. I am going shopping today so am going to buy some chocolate to see if eating that at bedtime as suggested will scare away any more bad dreams. Every night this week I have had them. I am getting so tired.

Sorry about my ramblings today but they always say it is better to write down all the things that are on your mind rather than bottle them up inside. Let's hope that my writing about it will put this dream out of my head for good.