Monday, 11 February 2008

Maybe tomorrow I will get some answers

After some deliberation I decided to have a trial run of the shrug pattern with the unravelled mohair yarn. I am glad that I did because I am not that keen on the way it is turning out. It is very closely worked and taking forever to crochet. I should have known as the blurb that came with the pattern said it was a slow growing pattern but worth the time spent. The main body is done with V stitch which is 1dc, 1ch, 1dc all into one space, and the flared edging is done with half trebles. I am sure I have gone wrong quite a few times but luckily the mohair is forgiving and hides a mutitude of sins. I am going to use another pattern for the purple Sale wool I bought the other day.

After my walk up the hill in Ramsbottom yesterday I had a really bad back all Sunday and today when I woke up I was, to put it mildly, in agony. All fired up and tetchy I decided to ring the specialist's secretary one more time and actually got to speak with her this time and not the usual ansaphone. I think she realised I was in no mood to be put off any more times (my messages to ansaphone are never answered)and offered me an appointment tomorrow evening. It is 4 months since my 4th MRI scan so I think I am well overdue an appointment for the results. Unfortunately my niece is not able to come with me this time to be a witness. I have put on a bit of weight again (this was one reason he cancelled my operation over 2 yrs ago and then I got lost in the system and it took an MP's letter to get me back in the system again) so I hope he doesn't use this as an excuse once again to shelve doing anything with me. If he can't operate or feels it is going to make matters worse, as he hinted at last time, then he should tell me and then I know to stop hoping for a miracle cure and just get referred for pain management.

I am overweight. I don't try to make excuses for myself. I eat too much. I am a size 16 but then so are half of the women in the UK so I wasn't too pleased to be called morbidly obese when he cancelled my operation. He later denied saying this hence my need for a witness to what he says. I have got depressed about the whole situation that has been going on for 5yrs now without an answer. I am a comfort eater and as I am not as mobile as I should be despite the dog walks, water aerobics and seated exercise I haven't been burning off the calories I have been consuming lately.

People who are slim are so quick to say I could and should diet. I have dieted very succesfully in the past. The problem is that I can't stay dieted. Problems occur and I am in pain so I eat. I get depressed about all of this and I eat. I used drink a hell of a lot many years ago when I had marital problems (pre divorce) and although I was never quite an alcoholic ( I used to drink a bottle of rum a day) I found it far easier to give up the drink than dieting. The problem is that you can stop drinking and never touch another drop and all is well as the craving subsides. Once an alcoholic always an alcoholic and I can never really ever drink again. Dieting is not that simple. If I could give up eating all together and never have to taste food again then maybe I could do it, could lose the craving. I can eat sensibly and healthily, and I do, but even sensible food is fattening if you nibble away at it night after night. Knitting and crochet keep me away from food to a certain extent but in the end if I am depressed and in pain then the food comes out. Not chocolate or biscuits - I crave savoury - cheese on toast or something similar. I have tried nibbling on carrots but it must be the carbohydrates I crave for. I did once lose the craving for food but that was during my drinking days. People who know me now don't know I used to be an anorexic size 8 during that time. Food had no interest for me then - all I wanted was another drink. Pretty drastic way of dieting I don't think I will try that diet again!

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