Wednesday, 6 October 2010

Cruel To Be Kind

I have to do my exercises. I know this and yet I shilly shally about and don't do them as much as I should. When the physio made me do the exercises in hospital I know that she was being cruel to be kind in the long run but it is so much harder to motivate myself into causing myself pain. I have constant arguments with myself on a daily basis but they still don't get done as often as they should. I am walking about a lot in the house and the pain levels are decreasing daily so I keep hoping that tomorrow will be the day that I can push myself more.

I don't want this operation to have been in vain and I want better mobility so why is it so hard to motivate myself into doing the exercises as often as I should?

The nights continue to be a trial. My knee hurts more when I try to sleep than it does during the day. I am now back on my prescribed pain killers as the ones that I got from the hospital have run out and to be truthful they were not doing me much good so maybe tonight I will get a decent night's sleep.

My crocheting is progressing very slowly due to my being Mrs Sleepyhead. The chunky crochet is a shrug for a friend in James C Brett Marble chunky. The pattern is basically a rectangle done in UK double crochet but through the back loops. Whilst this is easy to do I find it slow going and a bit soporific. I decided to start the white Blue Curacao shawl by Doris Chan as I wanted something to stimulate my brain. This is for a lady that I was in hospital with and as she has already given me the money for the wool I had better get it finished and sent off. I would hate her to think that I have just taken her money and am not going to make her a shawl. I only have her address to post it so I can't even phone her to say I have started it. She has been through a really rough time lately and it is her Birthday on Oct 21st so I hope to get it finished and posted by then. She has had multiple operations on her leg and is now attached to a metal cage with bolts that have to be tightened on a daily basis to try to lengthen her leg. Being in hospital makes you realise that the world is full of people far worse off than yourself.

My clips are due to be removed on Friday by the District Nurse so I may have more flexibility then. I have around 40 or so to be removed. They put clips close together rather than stitches to give the skin chance to heal even though the knee has to keep bending. They look funny. It is like someone went crazy on my leg with the office stapler. I am not bothered about scarring. Let's face it at my age I only flash my legs in my own garden in the summer, in the swimming pool or in the privacy of my own bedroom anyway I don't see operation scars as anything to keep covered up. They are part of life. I might feel differently if the scar was on my face and ugly. I have 3 small scars on my face since a teenager and they have never worried me in the slightest. The world puts far too much pressure on people to be body beautiful. I am glad that I lived in an age when I was growing up where people were not so cruel about anyone who was slightly different. Perhaps I was lucky but I never remember one instance where I was bullied about the way that I looked. We made fun of each other at school of course but only in a childish way and I don't think anyone was permanently scarred by any of the jokes.

I am having a bit of a slow start this morning. I need to get a shower and get dressed. My neighbour's cat came in earlier and will be fast asleep on the spare bed by now. There are 3 teenagers next door and I think Oscar comes in for a bit of peace. He will sleep until lunch, have something to eat, and then sleep until tea time when he will go home again. I feel sorry for him when Buster is here as he can't do any of that. The little black cat comes to my patio but I can't let her in as well otherwise there would be the cat fight from hell!


Anonymous said...

I think you will find it a lot better once the staples are removed and you will be more comfortable. Your body doesn't like foreign things like that in it and fights against them, I think. Once they are out things seems to improve more quickly. Besides, they make you feel a bit like Frankenstein, don't they? At least they did me. I'm so glad you are doing better. Both projects are so pretty. I love the color in the one and the pattern in the other.

pattas said...

You are a very brave lady. But you will succeed in the end. :)
I love your crochet , beautiful work.

marg41 said...

You must be feeling better Jan! You have made a start on the crochet shrug, and the shawl. Both look fantastic. I think once you have the staples out of your knee you will be able to move a little better. Jan, it takes time for the body to heal (I guess you know this already!!) It is good that you are able to walk in the house, do you have crutchs or a walker. Just think, in a very short time you will be able to walk without either of these aids. Take care Jan, love and best wishes from DownUnder.

CajunBlu said...

We all resist anything that causes us pain so you are no different.  You have to do the exercises despite the pain they cause.  What you need is something to motivate you past the pain when it's there at the same time you need to do those exercises.  Sadly, that's not something that anyone else can give to you.  You have to reach down inside of yourself and pull it from a place you didn't know existed.  It helps when you have someone with you because they can help talk you through it but, when you're alone, it's a whole new ball game.  Find music that makes you happy, makes you want to move, and try playing it when you exercise.  All I can give to you is some food for thought.  I have no idea how old you are but I do know that people tend to think they have plenty of time to do things.  That's because we tend to think in terms of days and years.  What motivates me is thinking in terms of "summers".  Ask yourself how many summers you may have left in your life.  Do you want to spent them walking on your own two legs or sitting on Pearl or hobbling around using a walker?  (I have a walker and I hate it.  It's an awkward thing and not comfortable to use at all.)  I have been in pain for more than 20 years and every day is a struggle but, when I think about wasting just one summer, I get up and move.  A single summer is too precious to lose so put on some music and "move it, move it".  Time doesn't stop for anyone so, very soon, you will look back on this time and wonder why it seemed so hard.  You can do this.  I don't know you so I have no idea about your personal life but I'll bet you can sit and think of at least ten times in your lifetime that you thought "I can't do this" but you did it anyway.  This is one of those times.  All of your readers care about you and we're always here for you to help talk you through another day so hang in there  :-)

Janet said...

Your knee looks swollen and sore, and much like mine did when I had my operation. Are you using ice to bring down the swelling? As I recall, I would do those exercises and then sit in my recliner with an ice pak on my knee for 15 minutes. It was all quite exhausting, and I had little interest in doing anything else but sleeping. But those exercises are key! Still, it is early days yet - do what you can and don't beat yourself up. Take care.

Beansieleigh said...

Hang in there Jan.. I know I need to start exercising more myself (this past year has been particularly cruel, and not because of surgery, but because of the monstrous weight gain I've put on, and NEVER dealt with BEFORE!)... I have to FORCE myself to exercise, because I sure don't FEEL like doing it! It isn't fun, but I know I have to do it, and I just plain have to start taking better care of myself now... Anyways, love the shawls you're working on.. In fact, I do remember you did that first one in a variegated color sometime ago.. VERY PRETTY!! I finally did get around to making a shawl for myself!! Only thing it ended up looking only suitable for summer!.. So I want to make another one sometime for Fall, but NOW I'm working on sweaters!.. Well, best wishes to you as you recover from surgery, and hope you're feeling better and better every day! ~tina